Amazing Spider-Man 313

The first Spider-Man comic in my collection was Amazing Spider-Man 376. I took spectacularly good care of that sonofabitch (as well as its future brothers and sisters)—well, at least, to the greatest extent my meagre means would allow. 

I couldn’t afford the actual “official” plastic baggies and boards they sold at ye olde comic book shoppe. But being the meticulous child I was, I found a cheaper preservation option: I stored them in ziploc baggies instead. My comics were as safe as leftover chilli. Zips were cheap at the grocery store. A weird side effect of this is that, to this day, I get a rush of nostalgia whenever I smell a ziploc bag. Yet another way my childhood weirdness has damned me to a freakish adult life.

I can’t say my brother took the same level of care of his comic books. He wasn’t as obsessed as I was—though, to his credit, he always took care of my comics when he read them. I can honestly say, looking back, that he was careful with them and diligent about keeping them flat. Doesn’t change the fact that, at the time, I had machinations to eliminate him in his sleep to prevent further wear to my collection. Who knew that 90’s books were so fucking worthless that they would eventually go DOWN in value? I guess I’m glad I didn’t suffocate my sibling.

My brother had one Spider-Man comic, which we both read until the cover fell off: Amazing Spider-Man 313. It came into his possession through our school’s book sale, where you could go buy other people’s trash and/or used books for 5 cents each. Comic books were always the first to go (because, newsflash, if you give a kid 25 cents to spend at the “book fair”, they aren’t buying your mom’s discarded Harlequin Romance novels or old TV Guides with the word searches already solved. And yes, there were always some.) But, despite the fierce competition to buy the least booklike items from the book fair, my brother snagged the one.

What an epic cover. Love that finger poking out. 

The beauty of this comic book is that it taught me, at a young age, how to extrapolate. Fill in the gaps with your imagination. There was so much shit in this comic that didn’t make sense to someone who just picked it up randomly. As far as we figured, Spider-Man just lived in a world where sharks flew around fucking up taxicabs and demons exploded out of filing cabinets. Just accept that shit and move on.

Yeah, I want to know too, motherfucker... WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

I know now that this was part of the “Inferno” event that mainly took place in the X-Men comics, but was cross promoted in other Marvel titles... like the Amazing Spider-Man. No, the giant Macy’s Day Spider-Man balloon is not a permanent fixture of Spider-Man’s rogues gallery. But I didn’t fucking know that! I spent years waiting for the rematch (I'm not kidding.) Maybe if I’d studied the little asterisks and the blurb in the corner of the cover a little bit closer I could have pieced it all together... but I doubt it.

I loved the art in this book, but I originally got into Spider-Man when MacFarlane’s legendary run had already been finished (I certainly got into it later though!) I liked the dark, twisted art and all of the Lizard’s wicked teeth. But it was very different from the Mark Bagley version.

Though, upon reflection all these years later, the most dark and twisted part of this book was probably the dank ass letters page... as usual. Come on Darlene, get your life together before MacFarlane steals yo man.

#cringe1988