The Shocker and Web of Spider-Man 109

Few things are better than comic book pseudoscience explanations... especially when they are clearly just a lazy way to end a stupid story. No muss, no fuss. Just leave it to “science”™! Whenever a writer builds up a big story and then realizes that it's stupid but they only have 5 panels left to finish the story, what else can they do besides throw up a bunch of technical sounding words from tenth grade science class and have Spider-Man rig up some insane-looking apparatus in order to save the day at the last moment? When there's a deadline to turn in your story, there's nothing so stupid that Spider-Man can't make it out of his webbing.

Now, keep in mind, a little bit of pseudoscience kicks ass. Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, which gave him spider powers instead of cancer (like you might reasonably expect). The vulture can fly because of electromagnetism? Sure. He uses the same science to turn a Walkman into a death laser, so that’s a cool coincidence. Tons of heroes and villains start their careers by being lucky enough to be caught in a chemical explosion. That always seems to turn you from a total loser into a shapeshifter of some sort.

Other characters aren’t so lucky. Like the Shocker. And yes, let’s just get this over with: his name is “the Shocker”. Let's all look it up on Urban Dictionary, for old times sake. But hey, while you’re there, why don’t you try putting in the names of other Spider-Man characters? What you find might “shock” you.

That’s because the “Shocker” had nothing to do with second base back in the 60’s. It is just an inevitability that as human history carries on, more and more terms will be used to describe specific sex acts. Therefore it’s only a matter of time before Spider-Man’s entire rogues gallery have unique entries in Urban Dictionary. I just hope I’m not alive to find out what the “Sinister Six” ends up describing.

Where was I? Oh yes. The Shocker. That poor asshole’s entire identity could be reduced to a single word: vibrations. He could have easily been the "Vibrator" instead of the Shocker. And you know, to this day, I am still perplexed at why they didn’t just call him that. The Vibrator! Why isn’t he the Vibrator? It sounds threatening. Beware the Vibrator! He’ll steal your girl! If anyone can think of a single good reason for him not to be called the Vibrator, please email me and let me know because I am stumped.

I mean... come on.

As a quintessential Spider-Man villain, the Shocker spends most panels yelling his origin story, how his powers work and his dastardly motives at Spider-Man while simultaneously getting his ass kicked. Getting his ass kicked and vibrating, I should say. Amazing Spider-Man 46 is the first comic book where the Shocker appears, and he spends no less than half the book explaining how being a giant vibrating pillowman gives him all his powers.

Can't ... fight... giant... vibrator....!

I can punch you super hard because I've turned my hands into vibrators! Ha ha!

Spider-Man’s punches bounce right off him! Why? Because he’s fucking vibrating like crazy.

So okay, the Shocker has a bit of a history with dumbass pseudoscience. So does everyone. But that was the 60’s, so presumably, by the 90’s, things would get a little bit more sophisticated, right? Get fucking ready.

Web of Spider-Man 109 features Spider-Man and Night Thrasher chasing down a super-powered Shocker. At least, I think that’s what’s happening. There was a guest penciller on this issue who was so awful that it was hard to tell what the shit was going on.

Eventually, Spider-Man manages to take down the Shocker, but then makes the mistake of asking him how he managed to enhance his powers. Spider-Man jokes that maybe he upgraded his powers by swallowing a blender! Ha ha? Good one, Spider-Man... oh hey, you're bleeding from your ears.

So anyway, Shocker explains that he simply increased the amplitude of the vibrations until they echoed and became stronger. Duh. That’s it, that’s the explanation. He vibrates more. And he’s going to keep vibrating until his body vibrates apart. 

Luckily, Spider-Man quickly comes up with this flawless reasoning: “your vibrations might have a frequency... just like a radio has a frequency.” Let’s stop and just all bask in the glory of this revelation. This man’s whole life has been dedicated to non-stop vibrating since 1967, and Spidey, the science whiz, never realized that his vibrations had a frequency until 1994.

So Spider-Man, continuing his bizarre charade, connects a bunch of weblines to nearby amps (okay just go with it) and then explains how they have different pitches. Night Thrasher, who has also experienced serious head trauma at this point, begins co-explaining that Spider-Man basically made a big electric violin, but the trick is to play it like it’s a tuning fork. Spider-Man, in apparent agreement, then explains that the Shocker can be tuned like a short wave radio, and that he just needs to grab the strings when they find the right counter-frequency! Get it? Get it? 

Like a tuning fork! *mumble mumble* amplitude *mumble mumble* BEDMAS *mumble mumble* giant fucking violin made out of bullshit! Of course! That’s it! The cosine of the angle is equal to length of the adjacent over the hypotenuse! The hypotenuse, Shocker, you fucking idiot! This is why you’re always dying.